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Learn Hexadecimal

Mad Pride, you say?

with 7 comments

Apparently, today is the first day of Mad Pride Week in Toronto. Or “MAD! Pride”, if you believe the first link. I prefer my insanity in title caps and without an exclamation mark, personally.

But shit, if it’s pride week for us crazy folks, I may as well come out of the attic.

I have clinical depression.

Please be warned that I’m going to discuss my illness in some detail here. If you have triggers relating to suicidal thoughts, this post is not for you. Read with caution. Thank you.

It’s still kinda weird for me to self-identify as mentally ill. I’ve known for a long time that I’m fucked up, but part of my particular upfuckery is that I automatically discount myself. I think I can’t possibly be legitimately crazy, because legitimately crazy people have a valid excuse for all the fucked-up shit they do and think. Legitimately crazy people aren’t just lazy, don’t just have a poor work ethic, can’t just suck it up and try harder.

Well, fuck that noise. I’m legitimately crazy. I take medication and I manage my sleep schedule and I try as hard as I possibly can not to let myself get away with any self-sabotaging bullshit, and at the end of the day, I can be pretty sure I won’t kill myself anytime in the next six months. I had that down as “the next year”, but on reflection, I don’t think I can trust myself that far.

That is what mental illness means to me: not trusting yourself. Having to fight your own perceptions at every turn. Knowing that the minute nobody’s looking, you’ll start to slide again. Not being able to say with confidence that a year from now you won’t be suicidal again.

How the fuck can I be proud of that?

It’s not about pride in the job-well-done sense, that’s how. It’s about pride in the sense of “hello world, we are here”. I don’t know if this post will help. I don’t know if it will do a damned thing to chip away at the stigma that surrounds mental illness. But I know not posting sure as fuck won’t do shit, and I know that more truth rarely if ever hurts. So here it is.

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Written by Learn Hexadecimal

July 13, 2009 at 9:00 pm

7 Responses

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  1. 1) Infiltrate a root server with a silent little white hack bot. Put it somewhere innocuously lethal.
    2) Wire your pulse to a WiFi-connected Arduino heart monitor.
    3) Plug white hack bot to blow up the Internet if the signal from your connected heart monitor stops.

    Then you have to keep going or else the Internet will blow up.

    Toaster

    July 14, 2009 at 1:10 am

    • I like the way you think.

      Learn Hexadecimal

      July 14, 2009 at 1:17 am

  2. Meant to append that I am glad to hear you’re doing OK and are forcing yourself past the stigma of actually discussing all of it.

    Toaster

    July 14, 2009 at 1:11 am

    • And thank you.

      Learn Hexadecimal

      July 14, 2009 at 1:17 am

  3. mmmm. Mental illness of the depression sort sure is fun, isn’t it? Just keep swimming, and know that you’re not alone in your quest to survive the next six months.

    ktbug ladydid

    July 14, 2009 at 9:15 pm

  4. Hear, hear. Many people don’t admit depression as a mental illness, but anything that prevents you from functioning at a normal level could be considered one, and disenfranchising people is not going to make them get better. So all those other people with their disbelief and lack of empathy can ffffff.

    Sneeuw

    May 24, 2010 at 1:19 am

    • Thank you for this comment. Very well put.

      Learn Hexadecimal

      May 24, 2010 at 1:23 am


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